Sunday, August 31, 2014

Walmart to Greatly Expand Services to Walmartians

Following weeks of intense consumer profiling and sophisticated demographic trending, Walmart customers can soon expect to get far more from their local Supercenter than just a pedicure, a tire change and a greasy bag of chicken gizzards.  According to sources familiar with jelly shoes and baby-daddies, over the next several months the mega-retailer is expected to unveil countless new services to its empire.

Image Swiped from the Woodsterman

 In addition to Walmart's already highly successful lineup of pseudo-salons, vision centers, and banks you've never heard of, customers can soon expect to have the added conveniences of bail bondsmen, tattoo parlors and paternity testing kiosks, just to name a few. 

"We also cash government checks and offer convenient money transfers to Mexico,"  said customer service clerk, DJ Chunky as he refunded money for a rancid melon. According to Mr. Chunky , these latest product advancements are largely attributed to consumer reports the company purchased from survey-taking giant, Whorzpuck International, who pay people to fill out surveys. 

In tough economic times, retailers are clamoring for even marginally good ideas, relying heavily upon companies like Whorzpuck and valuing the opinions of people like Maynard Perkins. "The economicals of good surveyin' is widely misunderstanded," explained Perkins,  "and, 'cause I'm real good at fillin' out surveys, that's how come I get paid for the kinds of things I think about." Perkins, a self-proclaimed UFO expert and permanent resident of Sweaty Meadows RV Camp, earns between $2 and $5 per survey, depending on length and eligibility.   

MFNS met up with Buzz Hopper, Walmart's Director of Quasi-Accurate Information, who noted that while a dentist office wouldn't perform well in a Walmart, there does appear to be a high demand for herpes clinics. Hopper further explained that Whorzpuck reports can vary from city to city. 

"For example, in Los Angeles," said Hopper, "Whorzpuck data suggests that Walmart should offer liposuction, ankle lifts and two-for-one mole removal, while, in places like Miami, that demand shifts toward workshops identifying the differences between bath salt and crack cocaine." 

"Rest assured, we remain committed to helping people save money and live better," said Hopper. "And, if that means avoiding incarceration, disproving paternity or testing for herpes, then that's what we'll help them with."  

Elevator For Democrats

Our 6 Years of Failed Keynesian Economic Practice.

Scott Grannis recently posted a pretty devastating critique of Keynesian economic theory and the abject failure of Keynesian fiscal stimulus in the period following the Great Recession (“the most expensive such failure in the history of the world”), here’s an excerpt below and I encourage you to read the entire post (with charts) HERE.
"Despite assurances from politicians and most economists of Keynesian persuasion, not only did the biggest and most rapid increase in our federal debt burden [in the six years ending June 2014] since WW II fail to boost the economy, it coincided with the weakest recovery in history—growth of only 2.2% per year on average. This is not a problem of not spending enough, it is a failure of ideology, and arguably the most expensive such failure in the history of the world.
Here’s the failure in a nutshell: The government can’t stimulate the economy by borrowing from Peter and sending a check to Paul, because that doesn’t create any new demand—it’s like taking a bucket of water from one end of the pool and pouring it into the other end; the level of the water doesn’t change. And the government can’t stimulate the economy by spending more, because the government is notoriously inefficient (not to mention the fraud, waste, and incompetence that surround most major public initiatives); the private sector is far more likely to spend its money wisely and productively than the government is. Growth only happens when an economy produces more from a given amount of resources—when productivity rises. And productivity only rises when people work more, smarter, and more efficiently, and that takes hard work and risk. You can’t just dial up productivity, you have to work for it. We can’t “spend our way to prosperity,” as the late and great Jude Wanniski told us.
Here’s my interpretation of what really happened in a nutshell: the private sector generated $8.9 trillion of profits in the past six years, and the federal government borrowed 83% of those profits to fund a massive increase in transfer payments, income redistribution, bailouts, subsidies, and a modest increase in infrastructure spending (only 8% of the 2009 American Recovery and Reinvestment Act went to transportation and infrastructure).
What happened to all the profits? Almost all of the most incredible surge in profits in modern times was squandered by our government, flushed down the Keynesian drain.
The past six years in effect have been a laboratory experiment to determine whether Keynesian economic theory is valid. The result? Keynesian economic theory is (or should be) officially dead. It doesn’t work. Government can’t boost the economy by borrowing or spending more money. Politicians will be unhappy to hear this, of course, since they would prefer that we think they can dispense growth and prosperity on demand. Those who insist in perpetrating this myth should be voted out of office."

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Middle Finger Symphony Theater Presents:

* No Tuxedos Required *

You are Welcome.

Dingy Harry's Alma Mater Strips His Name from Building

Southern Utah University, where Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid went to school, is stripping his name from one of its buildings after the city where the college is located got $40,000 in pledges in five days from people who wanted his name to come down. 

The Nevada Democrat’s name had been put on the Southern Utah University Outdoor Engagement Center (?) to honor the school’s famous alumnus, President Scott Wyatt told The Spectrum newspaper.
"The Harry Reid name created confusion about the purpose of the center because nobody associated Harry Reid with the outdoors, so they were having a hard time creating a clear brand. 
While Cozzens is still somewhat concerned that the name may be actively used in the future, he said he is happy to see the Reid name go for now, arguing that he had been approached by friends from Nevada who said they would not support the university as long as the senator’s name was associated with it in any way......"
Read More

.....and I'll pitch in a $20 to help get his name stripped from the Senate Majority Leader's Office Door!  Anyone?

Friday, August 29, 2014

They Do Have A Lot in Common.......

This Week in the Religion of Peace

* Allah Makes It “Easy” To Behead People…
* ISIS Plotting To Assassinate Pope Francis For “Bearing False Witness” Against Islam…
* Two Teenage Muslim Girls Arrested Over Suicide Bomb Plot To Attack Lyon Synagogue…
* Syrian Children Forced To Watch ISIS Beheadings
* Al-Qaeda Urges Muslims To Blow Up Las Vegas…
* ISIS Executes 250 Syrian Soldiers, Bodies Piled Up In The Desert…
* Sister Of Boston Bomber Arrested For Bomb Threat
* Boko Haram Jihadists: “Allah Commands Us To Kill Without Pity”…
* Spanish Imam Asks Allah To Kill Every Single Jew…
* I Would Be “Honored” To Behead A Western Hostage 
* ISIS Proudly Shows Off Mass-Execution Of Captured Syrian Soldiers
* Iraq’s Christians: You Have One Week To Convert To Islam Or Die…
* Farrakhan:  Says It’s OK For Blacks To Steal From Korean, Chinese, Arab Store Owners…
Baby Jihad: ISIS Toddler Featured In Video Beheading Doll…
* Jihadists Kidnap Four Men In Kenya, Release The 3 Muslims, Behead The Christian…
* ISIS Overruns Syrian Base, Beheads Soldiers And Displays Their Heads In Raqqa…
* ISIS Has Young Boy Act Out Beheading Of Western-Looking Doll…
* CNN Not Sure If We Should Call ISIS “Evil”…

A Bad End to a Summer of Play and Fund-Raising

"You can save your breath, frantic Obama apologists. There is no way to spin the unmitigated disaster of this hapless President toddling to the podium yesterday and announcing to the world that he doesn’t have a strategy for defeating ISIS yet. The pants-wetting terror that immediately gripped everyone in the White House, and every dead-ender Obama-worshiping pundit, tells the true tale of how epic a blunder this was." Human Events   

Fishnet Friday

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